Escape Mediocrity

"Heroes rise above the mediocrity that surrounds them."

-Anonymous

I had a sticker on my bike in college that said; "Escape Mediocrity"..at the time i just thought it sounded cool. I didn't really understand what that meant.  I am reminded of this as I read and think a bit about being creative.  It seems that many of us creative souls and anyone who is concerned about their own place in life worry about our own goodness, talent, ability and force.  We are constantly up against those that would tell us we aren't good enough, or we don't have what it takes, or up against our own worst enemy..ourselves..that brutal critic that lives somewhere in the dark towers of our own version of Mordor..as in the Lord of the Rings with Golumn and hobbits and things...he/she is up there constantly forseeing the future for us.  That future that says we can't or it's not good enough so why bother or why try.  I am on the continual hunt to find him and tie him up and show him who is boss...i think we all go through this each day, wether we are a mom, son, dad, painter, photographer, friend, dancer, writer, musician, athlete, politician..whatever it may be, we are always asking, "are we good enough?...Can I actually pull this off?

I can't help but think that every famous well known artist from Van Gogh to Shakespeare to Picasso to Beethoven thought the same thing and ran up against the same people who told them they would never make it and never be good enough....sometimes they weren't recognized until after their death but they stayed true to their beliefs and to their particular callings...

We must be able to stand in our light at any moment and face its darkness and its triumphs.  

Let's break it down a bit....take a room of ten people and make them all do the same thing you love to do...whatever it may be..now let's assume they all want to be the best at it and be successful, which is a whole other discussion and definition, but just picture that for a second...

Now, right away get rid of 2 people because they have car troubles or flake or got sick or just didn't show up...ok..no we are down to 8...now get rid of 3 people because they are easily offeneded and their egos are bruised and they feel that it is too hard to do this..now we are down to 5 people...ok..these are good people with tons of talent and hard working, but 2 more drop out because they listened to the critics at the most critical moment and believed that all the effort would never pay off and they feared too much the sense of failure and what that would mean and where it would leave them...down to 3...just 3....now get rid of one more person..no one really knows the true extent of why they quit, but they did...probably because the final pressure of making it a reality was too great and they tricked themselves into actually thinking they couldn't make it...now you are down to 20%, just two people..the true idea of escaping mediocrity...see? it's not as hard as it seems...there are so many reasons to just show up...that is all we have to do is show up and believe in ourselves...ok..harder to do than say, but still...when we break it down it doesn't seem so overwhelming does it?  

now, go escape some mediocrity....

Guarded

drivers seat, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

"Welcome to surgery room 102" said some guy in blue scrubs with his back to me...it might have been the doctor...

"Welcome!" i said, gazing at the big round lights, table and sterile sheets...

then i just had enough time to wonder why i said welcome...you know, he just welcomed me..so why would I say welcome?? then bang, I was waking up in the recovery room...yep..knee surgery...The night before I was in a panic thinking i had a blod clot in my left calf which i then proceeded to scare the crap out of myself by reading too much on Google about them...blood clots can result in a pulmonary embolism..meaning that the clot clogs your lungs and you can die...crap...I had 6 hours to live before i went into surgery...at least that was my mind set...i found myself getting so angry that this stupid injury had now grown into a life threatening blood clot...so lame how we can freak ourselves out...upon showing up at the surgery center that morning i had an ultra sound and the nurse said, " i wish everyone's blood flow was this good, you are totally normal."
ok..then i felt that old familar feeling of self embarrassment that I had let myself get so worked up and been so hard on myself...now I could breathe a it easier and as they shaved my knee and put the IV in and asked me tons of questions, i was able to joke and say stupid things like:
Nurse: "you are 5'8" 160 lbs correct"
Me: "who told you that?"

or

Nurse:"do you wear any hearing aids?"
Me: "what?"

followed by the usual snicker from a nurse who was probably somewhat amused, but mostly annoyed...and then my surgeon, whom I, wrongfully, judged to not really care, spent time with me before surgery discussing Picasso and then proceeded to pray over me..not the type of bible thumping prayer that I can't stand, but a true heart felt prayer that was as much for me as it was for him and his realization that we are only human and that there is something we need to latch onto at the most critical moments in our lives...it may be the first time that I actually felt a real prayer in my life go through my body and out. 5 minutes later i was out, in the hands of people that do this type of thing every day like i used to make phone calls...it truly is amazing what these doctors and nurses and people do...truly...

When i woke up, i felt totally stoned and asked for a steak i think...that was it...it was over just like that, but my left leg was wrapped from ankle to toe with a special wrap that Dr. Stoll does to promote fast recovery and then the good news...they cut out some of the meniscus which, although may present problems down the road, promotes very quick healing...like a week and then i'll be riding a bike...wow..i was prepared for 6 weeks of recovery...I couldn't help but think the universe has tested me again, to see how prepared I was to go the distance...which i was...prepared to be laid up for 6 weeks...i think i got emotional at that point, but only the type of emotion that is at the surface in our body where the tears get right to the tip but don't actually fall out...thankful that i was ok..that I still have my leg and my family and my health. Even that minor time spent in the hospital is enough to boost your momentum....get up and take advantage of each day type of enthusiasm..which I plan to do...thoughts of travel and things I want to do are swimming in my brain...thoughts of photos, and bike rides and motorcycles and food and walking.

Today, i am tired and pretty sore and a little spacy from the doses of Vacadin, which i don't really like...contrary to most people's desires, I don't feel that good on them...it is a beautiful day outside and i am on the mend...eager to get out, but willing to take it easy for as long as i need to so i can heal, thankful for everyone that has thought about me and called or written. These are those times when you see how much you are loved. I am a lucky man.

Our Responsiblity

urban cowboy, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

Our responsiblity is to share...since kindergarten we have been taught this...I didn't know that this could be so easy to do.  I shared a photo with someone who shared it with others...a simple photo in my mind...I also have shared, as often as i could, some of the thoughts and moments in my life that i think about and feel...simply by writing them down..as so many of you who are reading this now do on a daily basis.  I am struck with the idea that we, as humans, as spirits, have a great responsibility to each other...to come together and share how we think and feel...some people think this blog shit is just that...a waste of time on a computer in the coffee shop...well i say that ironically, in this age, it is something that is bringing us back to a central place of sympathy, compassion, sharing, telling, understanding that we have lost in this day and age..this day and age when things are too fast and we have forgotten the tribal mentality..the idea that we as humans need each other to listen and to talk and to share our trials and tribulations and through the wisdom, love and experience of others who have gone through similar things, we learn, we cope, we breathe..we understand that we are not alone, that we all are on the same planet in the same boat...we all have parents, we all brush our teeth, we all love and get hurt, we all cry (sometimes not enough) we all want to be good (some need to be better) we all laugh (some more than others) we all sleep (some can't as much as others) and we all hurt..(some more than others).....this is the fundamental basic core idea of why we are evolved beyond monkeys...(i like monkeys, don't get me wrong)...this blog serves as a platform of tribal means...a way to come together from all walks of life and share and believe and live through each other...a way to create and compel and share.

Thank you Amanda for reminding me how important it is to share.

Make sure to read Picking up the Pieces of a Life Once Lived  It will inspire you and make you thankful for what you have and it will give you strength to carry on......

This morning

stuck, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

this morning i am up on the early side...i suppose..although not so early as I have been used to in my life, but these days anytime before 8 seems early...with the bad knee, i have accepted the idea that I can relax a bit and take time to sit, drink my coffee...(oh how i love coffee) and write and greet the new day.  I have to get better at capturing the moments i have each day that come over me as i walk or think...meaning that I have so many things i want to write about, like telling a funny joke..you can always think of one when you don't need to, but then on the spot, you can't remember it....yeah, kinda like that.  Life each day is so full of realizations, triumphs, disappointments, and surprises; what fun.  As I get closer to my surgery, which is on Monday, I find myself embracing all things more and more; going to the gym, walking around with the camera, writing, eating, taking my time...life has an amazing way of floating along if you let it, if you don't try to grab on too tight and tell it what to do.  I have always thought about the "Whiplash" game as a kid, when 20 or so kids get in a long line, hold hands and then run around like a snake and the last one holding on wins...well, at the end of that line is one kid holding on for dear life as the whiplash effect begins to grow and take shape and eventually after trying to hold on as hard as possible, they are thrown off onto the grass and the snake moves on...well, for some, they want to get back on, but for me, i quickly realized, that I didn't really enjoy that...and as I have grown older there are things in life that i realize I don't have to do if I don't want to..like not having to play the game and hold on for dear life...you can let go and simply walk off and it is so much easier that way.  The universe has a way of playing that game if you let it, if you try and hold on too tight, if you make it your goal to not let go it will chuck you eventually and probably with a force you didn't know existed.  

Easier said than done...because often that letting go feels like you are giving up or losing, or not playing the game that everyone else is playing.  That is the challenge in this life and upon some further reflection the other day it was clear to me that the design of the universe has given some of us the wisdom to let go and follow our own path...albeit lonely sometimes, or hard, or scary, or unknown, but it is our gift and our realization that we can live "our" life and that is what we have been given.  It makes sense though, when you look around, that there are many who will never have that opportunity or have been designed to fit into the grand scheme of things so that others may have that journey.  I don't know what to call it..kharma? reincarnation? Gods fantastic design? Chance? i don't know...but i do know that seeking our own journey and trusting that we can let go and sit in the quiet and the light is the most amazing thing in the world...we must create our own life.  we must not live for tomorrow.  we must embrace our perfect beings and our gifts.  "Who are we to be small?"

Be big.  Be brave.  Be mischevious.   Be quiet.

Moment of Silence

DSC_0212.JPG, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

Heath Ledger-28 Years old: 1979-2008

I am saddened by this. It frustrates me and shocks me and makes me wonder... I can't help but think that, for whatever reason, he could no longer make sense of his world that had blown up and probably had never been what he'd wanted....No one will ever know if this was an accident or not, but either way, we have lost another great talent in this short life.

take a moment today to reflect on our own creative drive and angst and live a little fuller...for his sake.

through the door

the orange door, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

The door...the analogy of our lives...to go through it or not...to open it when we think we might not want to...to choose another door...to wonder why that particular door has shown up at that particular moment in life...be it black, red, blue or orange...in my case, the door in my mind is simple....just like the above shot i took in the alley the other day in 14 degree weather...when i saw it, all the moments and analogies sort of made sense...it was clear...there weren't any other choices in my life at this very moment...it is this door at the end of a corridor which has beckoned me to where I am now and as i make the final steps toward it to open it, i am less and less aprehensive or worried, but more curious and ok with what might be behind it...sort of like the man behind the curtain..for all we know, it is simply the door from the outside to the inside and then there are a thousand more doors to come...maybe life is a series of analogous moments of being outside and then coming inside..like my life has been mostly lived outside and it is time for me to come in and really explore and get cozy and open many more doors...i suppose this is what it feels like for me at this moment in my life before I go into surgery, not that this is a life threatening surgery, but a moment in my life where things have made a shift for sure and something I can always remember as a huge moment in my life...this door...it leads to the rest of my life...which is in front of me at every moment...right now...i think we spend much of our time looking at the main door from outside to in...and wondering how we actually open it and get in...up until then I think we are wandering on our paths in the outside world that will lead us to the moment in life when we find that door...the door, the one, the orange door....

the last moment i remember is the breathe

the tunnel vision,

the orange door

the one that took me there and let me fly

the one that made me blush and almost killed me

the one that was flat and rusted and locked,

for everyone but me...

the door that was heavier than i thought i could move

and lighter than a plastic cup, expectant to be glass and full,

the metal which was cold,

but on the other side is hot with love and warm

drink and talk and food.

this door is my door

it is not yours

it is not ours

it is not somebody's door.

it is mine...and mine alone to open and walk through

I breathe and step and twist,

and disappear inside,

leaving a trail of bread crumbs, not for me,

but for you..so you know that i am safe.

-JD

The Dog

Bailey the dog above-a messenger on the Pearl Street Mall...what a look...

I suppose i have wanted to write this for a long time...it may not all come out today, it may have to be in chapters or i may never complete the book that i should write....but i am to the brim with it after having finished the book Merle's Door...this book made me cry for an hour while silently finishing the last two chapters in the local coffee shop...i think i looked like a mess after and couldn't tell if folks were looking at me because i had a crutch or because i looked like i was coming down from an all night binge; puffy eyed and sniffling at 9 am in the morning....if you have ever had a dog you need to read this book.  It is truly an amazing story of one man's desire to understand dogs and to love this one named Merle completely.  It will most likely make you laugh at times, make you question the whole man dog relationship, bring up doubts about our own existence and will most likely probably maybe for sure make you cry....because as we know, when we enter into a relationship with a dog, if we are lucky we get 13-14 years of that life and at some point we all have to learn the lesson of saying goodbye to a soul that we love dearly...i am reminded of so many things in my own life, most recently helping a dear friend put her sweet dog down..Lucy...who was 14 i believe and who was soooo sweet and her passing was a gentle reminder again of the former life i shared with my beloved....Marco....ahhh that name....my dog, Marco.....I don't even know where to start...should i recall the very first moment i layed eyes on him; the wildness of his body that had been already broken as a young dog in the ghetto of East LA, the sounds he made as he charged out of the backdoor of the small brown stucco house with bars on the windows somewhere in downtown, the first loop he made brushing past my leg and testing me with his wildness and his dark snout and deep green and brown eyes; stopping at the other side of the yard and facing off with me, tongue hanging out and front paws slightly stepping up and down and finally scraping the ground with his right one and running full bore towards me...not knowing if he'd bite me, i just stood still because that is what people say you should do...stand still, don't show any fear...don't let them know..."huff, huffa, grrr...rrrraaaah", i think were his first words as he buzzed past me again in the sunlight of that day.  I was 19 years old, getting ready to move to Oregon for a life that i had not planned yet, but i knew i needed a friend, a companion, a partner in crime....the old asian woman who had rescued him stood beside me and said, "i think he likes you"...jeez, i thought, what do i do with a dog?  "i'll take him" came out before I knew what i was saying...and just like that...i had my first real love of my life...not a woman, but a four legged wild man with a broken leg that had healed shorter on his right rear flank, and two eyes, that were slightly different in color, and a short stubby tail that never wagged just left to right, but in all directions...deep paws and long legs, a deep warm golden sunset washed the color of his fur with the hints of black and silver on his hackles, and two huge black eyebrows that bore the intelligence of a wise man who had just shown up on the earth, but knew more than i could ever imagine...and a snout, black as black.....I remember the moment as if it were yesterday...the orange tree in the right corner of the yard, the brown broken dilapitated fence on the left, the partially dead dying grass with large spots of dirt from the other dogs that this woman had rescued...the 3 steps that led out of the black security door that he came bounding out of and down past my legs...the blue warmth of the day and the smell of East LA...of the city, of the concrete, the stale world of the urban jungle that we had found each other in...i remember that moment as the moment my life journey began with Marco...we had adventures ahead of us and things to teach each other and things to share, songs to sing, sorrows to bare, hikes to take, waters to swim, drives to take, girls to discuss...all of it, right then and there, and had I known that a mere 5 years later I would lose him, I would have probably never even considered it....but that is the most beautiful memory i have of our time...we lived in reckless abandon together, i know that I gave him my complete love and life...more than i thought was actually normal, until I read Merle's Door...the only time I have actually thought I could have given and done more with him....

I carry Marco's ashes wherever i go with his old collar and tags and every once and a while I take out his collar and tag and hear the sound they make and it takes me to the time when he would breathe on me, sweetly and with the purpose of waking me up and making sure I let him out so he could start his day and i would hear him running about with the familiar jingle....Marco Marco Marco...my soulmate, my man, my friend, my lost love, my confidant, my wingman, my beautiful teacher, my watcher in the woods, my partner.....my dog...

I miss him still...to this day, and now, it is one of the few things that bring emotion to my body and i am brought to tears instantly..as I write this again, in a coffee shop, shedding my tears...i find it amazing that we, as humans, for centuries, have found this love and if only we could make this true of our fellow man...a practice that we all need to learn when we really think of it...how can I love unconditionally....how can i change my partners life by giving my all...

Thank you to Ted Karasote for Merle's Door....

Thank you Marco....my beloved....October 5, 1995...the last day on earth.

Standing Still

Trilogy Speed, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

I woke up this morning for the first time feeling ready to get up and not lay around in bed moping. I realized something so cool...for so many years i have been working my butt off, waking up early, stressing out, wishing i had more creative time on my hands etc...and this morning I woke up thinking, hmmm, what do i get to do today? that is an awesome feeling...Last night i auditioned for a two person play that would be shown in the Fringe Festival at Boulder, a cutting edge theater festival that is becoming very well known...i got an email today being invited back to call backs on Saturday...i am not surprised at this, not because i am bragging, but because i knew it. I am primed and ready to work and be creative and they see that and feel it. I am planning on getting the role which will give me a huge boost in my creative purpose, and if it does not work out then so be it. I am also feeling good about creating a "schedule" for myself..such as, get up, have coffee, check emails, work on blog, work out (of course with surgery this may slow a bit, but not much!) 2-3 hours a day devoted to photography, eat sometime in there, read, workout again (i am a little cuckoo about that i know) go to photography class, go to my wed night nude modeling job (45 bucks for two hours aint bad...i've done it for free), realax...or something of that variation..point being...i get to create my life and day now...it does not create me...

I have had a lot of time to think and reflect and I will have a ton more coming up..and the one thing i have encountered over and over is the idea that this is all part of the plan...the master plan...i have been talking to many new faces and i find myself being sort of relentless in my questions to them, as if i am questioning myself along the way..for example.
JD "so, what keeps you busy during the day?"
XY "umm, well, i work far away at an ad agency...um doing marketing and things. it is ok " No excitement at all in the voice or body...
JD"well, what would you do if you didn't have to do that?"
XY-pause...not really sure what to say to that..."I'd quit my job and travel around the world."
JD" wow, that sounds awesome..so what are you waiting for?"
XY-pause..smile..."i don't know...."

it makes people think...it makes me think...we need to keep asking ourselves the questions and pushing the envelope...as a good friend of mine said to me the other day..."I don't want to be bored with what i do...i don't care about the money, just give me something that will challenge me." He is right...don't be boring and if you are...start asking questions...

speaking of being bored..i need some coffee..
jd

Patience

highway guards 3, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

Surgery is imminent at this point...that was the story as of yesterday while viewing my MRI with the doctor.  I have torn my lateral ligament at the meniscus and it is difficult to tell how deep at this point and wether they can fix it without performing arthoscopic surgery.  The hope is that they can fix it which is mending of the tendon etc vs. taking out the damaged pieces which is option two and not the preferred one...this is because the chances of arthritis down the road increase with the second option and although the recovery from the procedure is quicker, it is not the best way to go..so fixing is the way to go, but fixing takes 8-10 weeks of rehab and physical therapy.  At this point, due to my age and time it is better to have the fix and take the time to heal so that my knee is strong for good...but all of this is obviously a drag no matter what...i would like to say that i am fine and all is well and there are reasons and all that crap, but i am also really bummed, pissed and frustrated.  I have my moments of calm and my moments of complete anger and frustration that this was not part of the plan and then i breathe and try and let things be trusting that there will be reasons for all of this...as I am sure there will be, but that does not make it any easier to handle.  I know it is also a small thing in the grand scheme of things and when I really stop and look around i do feel lucky that this is all that is wrong...i could be a triple amputee returning from Iraq, which i saw in Esquire today and read an interview with a guy who only has a right arm and the rest are prosthetics..now that is a hurdle..mine is merely a hiccup in life and in no time all will be ok..but I am still pissed off about it and having to deal with the every day things that change...for me, as an athlete, this is a tough one to deal with...it is also a complete change in speed, focus, direction and plans, which obviously is part of the plan, but i still don't like that plan..fine, ok..i hate it...not what i had in mind at all.....

Now...how to deal...i have decided that every day will be different...i may have days that suck and are hard and I will have days that are fine.  I can go to the gym and work out my upper body, which i did today and it felt pretty good...i can take a photography class, i can work on photography, i can sleep in, i can park in handicap spaces with my new trusty handicap signs, i can be treated very kindly by those around me who consistently help with doors etc and I am so pleased by feeling like people around me are still inherently kind and good...and for that I am learning my lesson of kindness and patience, I can write more, i can read more, i can take time to sit still, i can be happy for my health as a whole, i can continue to cook more, i can practice being patient.

i can remember all the people around me who love and support me and are there for me no matter what...it's just my knee..i have two of them and i am going to be fine...just a minor speed bump in the road of life....and I am sure I will look back 3 months later and be glad it happened...well, mostly....

I will have surgery most likely next week sometime pending some decisions on second opinions etc..thank you so much for all your thoughts and positive thinking.

The Word

read it, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

the word is...i found a place! yes, signed the lease this morning...ok the knee slowed me down enough to show up in the right place at the right time...it happens to be the same landlord that my mom rents from and yesterday because i was not working i managed to squeeze in and see the place just before another guy who she said wanted it, but hadn't shown up yet...well, I snagged it..it was meant to be for sure..i wasn't looking it just sort of showed up..she had called my mom and wondered if i had time to see the place...it is a one bedroom condo with an attached garage, fireplace, washer and dryer, and all the normal elements...bamboo floors, nice kitchen, windows all around, next to a small creek, and smack in the central part of town on 21st and Walnut...the cost is just right and the timing too..they are doing some work to the place until March 1 which gives me more time to work out some kinks, literally...i will find out if i need surgery on Tuesday for the knee...meanwhile, I have managed to put myself in some interesting spots due to the knee problem..like in front of a professional photographer whom i met last night and will hopefully work with as a starting assistant at some point...i find the above writing to be inspiring and true...it is a small portion of a larger piece that I saw at the Denver Art Museum...i wish I could remember the name...read it...The weather here in boulder is beautiful...blue and crisp and sweet ...with a new place on the horizon i feel pretty good and excited to recover and keep doing all things active and creative...I have begun to treat my photos as true art and having framed a few is really a fun thing as it cements in my mind that i am on the right track...for now, i sit in a coffee shop and write and work and read..and having crutches sure gets you some sweet deals...although, i wouldn't suggest them just for that....

The corner

corner3, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

well...today I had an MRI on the knee..i won't find out what the outcome is yet until Tuesday, but as I was meditating in the GE Whirlpool MRI Machine (which if you never experienced, is something like being beemed up into the space shuttle, except you never make it...you just listen to a loud set of clicks, beeps and electronics...really wierd) I began to slow down my breathing and truly clear my mind and meditate...trying to put it all into perspective...my thoughts wandered at first all over and as I began to watch them pass by i settled into my monologue that I am currently working on for an audition that I have this coming week..it was an interesting statement to let my mind go to the place that gave me comfort...my acting...i think i was in there for 1/2 an hour, but i was lost in thought and process and it seemed to go by in 5 minutes...Last night i decided to give in and embrace the things i can do..so i went to Costco and bought an amazing photo printer for 89.00 bucks...i thought it might be so so, but the pics i printed to day are amazing...and it has set my mind on fire to create...at the same time, I got my new business cards that say JDD Photography, which i made a week ago on Vista Print..seemed timely that they arrived today..as if to say, here you go, this is your real path right now...be a photographer...so i will be...and an actor and i will put my energy into creating...until I can ski again of course! and then i will do all of it...by the way, i was turned down for another rental opportunity in Boulder which i have found very interesting...a process of natural elimination i suppose...so i don't land in anything I am not meant to be in...this time thing is funny sometimes...trusting and relaxing..hard to do...well, for now, i am going to sit back, have some wine, and enjoy my down time instead of resent it...

The Knee

ok...well, it has been a few days for a few reasons..work, distractions, laziness...but here is the thing, you know that saying, "if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans." let's just say he's laughing now...i didn't really have a ton of plans coming out and things materialized in ways that felt natural..and then bam, just like that, the seemingly natural "plans" are instantly gone and changed and the course of your plans are altered, maybe forever, maybe momentarily...two days ago i injured my knee while skiing in Winter Park..some of the best snow i have skied in a long time and on the second run of the morning, pop and down i went...i wasn't skiing totally out of control, but let's put it this way, i was a bit excited and pushing the limits and i finally, after 24 years of skiing, "blew my knee out"...my instant moment of panic and realization as i heard the talked about "pop" and felt my knee give away was followed only by the thought of not being able to work and teach, then ski, then box, then ride my bike...you see where I am going...it all fell apart in one instant...now, as it stands today, i went to a surgeon who scheduled me for an MRI to establish wether I have actually torn my lateral meniscus or just bruised it horribly...the good thing is i still have an ACL in my knee...but either way, if this particular tendon is torn, i will need surgery and that could be 6-8 weeks of recovery and pretty much my ski season...why this "happened" i am unsure and as usual i have tried to seek out the answer, but i then realize that first of all, this is a minor set back in life, and second, it is a way to explore other options that i had not begun to explore yet...like really attacking my photography and some more acting etc..staying positive and creative and believing that all these things happen for reasons bigger and smarter than we are...they seem cruel and unreal and not fair...in reality, they are those moments that change our lives and we look back and say, wow...if i hadn't done this then this wouldn't have happened...i don't know what that is for me right now..i am still struggling with the reality of what has happened...i cannot ski, i cannot teach skiing, i cannot walk very well, i cannot box, i can't drive a stick, I can't jump rope, i can't ride my bike...yet...all of this is simply followed by yet or now...so be it..fine.  i am open and willing to explore the other venues in my life and to learn how to be nice to my physical side...i keep thinking and reliving the moment when  i made the minor mistake to ski over to a spot that i thought was powder and it turned out to be huge bumps...if i had just paid a little more attention and turned I would be fine..damn...well, that doesn't work I guess...so there, it is done...now I need to move forward.  Just a reminder to us all that as minor as my injury is in the grand scheme....make sure we are always aware of our health and journey..i am feeling that this has happened for a very good reason, but it may not be clear for a while.  until then I will work towards life in a calmer way...i'll start by going to Mexico with Gus for a week since I have nothing better to do right now...and I will take a ton of pics in Mexico...I wish everyone health and if you get a sec, send some good thoughts to the knee...

i don't think you can read the sign to the right...but it says that mountain lions have eaten a few dogs in the past weeks so watch your kids..something like that...so...be careful out there...

slow thaw

slow thaw, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

The New Year...it is here..again...like last year...wham....there we go again...How fast it arrives from the last year and how many of us can barely remember what it was we were doing at the last year's party as we get ready to count down this years party? It sort of seems like one big Groundhog Day..you know, the one with Bill Murray, when he realizes that he has a ton of times to get it right and keeps trying and screwing up and trying again and second guessing and trying to trick himself and others and then finally just letting go and living...i know, profound movie, but really...isn't that what New Years feels like sometimes? What is your resolution?...the questions is fired off again and again as if this year you'll finally get it right, This year you'll make sure you do it...huh...hmmmmm.....uhhhhhh...huh...yeah....i don't do that anymore...no more resolutions for me (wait, is that a resolution?) shit. I overheard a guy serving coffee to a woman the other day and he was talking about how screwed up our new years calender is as it falls in the middle of winter..when things are hibernating, dead, dormant, cold as crap, and that the ancient calenders, of which i am not sure exactly, but he continued to make the point...were on to something by starting their calenders in the spring..when things are actually starting anew and being born and coming to life...so does that make our time in New Years that much more challenging? How do we find new beginnings in the middle of all this "death"? and cold and sleep??? again i beg the response...hmmmmm...huh....ummmm....good point....i've never been much of a New Years guy, but i have to admit that for me this one will be quite easy to remember..it will be one of those years that marks my life calender when i can actually look back 10 years from now and pinpoint the day and year that my life was vastly different than before...(flash forward 40 years...) yep...i remember New Years Eve 2007..i was 35 yerars old and had just moved to Boulder Co. and i was working as a ski instructor at the local mountain..i had no money and just a trailer in tow...yes siree bob, i was a young buck then...(back to present day)

It seems to be one of those years for me..so much has happened and changed and when I really think about it there is so much magic in the last year, so much love and so much to be lucky for...2007 was an amazing year for me for so many reasons...not one do I regret.  i loved them all.  I have had alot of time to think in the past four weeks since i have moved and there are times when i am not 100% sure of anything or how I will survive or how i will feel in the time to come..i had my first real moment of missing some of my old life and that was a bit strange...i think normal, but strange...i still have alot to find here and have not settled in yet, but the journey is long and the time i spend reflecting and listening is so valuable.  

I wish that everyone this year is able to sit and reflect and ponder and wonder and be amazed and be loved and be alive and be brave and take in each moment of this amazing journey...the one we count down as we pass the years in this strange way of celebration...the journey that begins and ends in the dead of winter amongst such drastice change all around us, the journey that appears to us each morning we wake up and breathe in, the journey that is sometimes dark, and unknown and scary, and fun and perfectly given to each of us in the moment...i hope all of you embrace this year and do the things you want to do and don't wait for another year to go by wishing you had, or wondering...i saw a blind skiier on the mountain the other day...blind....can't see a damn thing and they were slowly making their way down the hill with only a voice to guide them and their brave instincts and trust to lead them...that is incredibly brave....i skied my heart out that day after seeing that...i went faster and turned with more joy and purpose than i had in many years...i laughed and i hooted all the way down...with eyes open...with eyes open......alive in this year....

Happy New Year.