The Last Stand

last stand, originally uploaded by Justin Davis Davanzo.

This i know....our lives are a series of events that fuel our souls and fires and sometimes when the world around is burning and drowning and dying and starving, we forget that it doesn't really matter because in our own minds we are burning and starving and dying...the notion that we have to leave our pain and recognize other peoples pain and thus take away and minimize our own problems, suffering and disaster is a heavy burden. It is a guilt ridden and holistic way to deny our own feelings of despair and anger and desperation.

I am speaking not only for myself, but for all of us in this moment. There is so much hurt and anger and betrayal and horrible tragedy that we all share and the delicate balance of allowing ourselves the outrage and the fury and the pure energy of wanting to smash the windows of the soul in and dive into oblivion versus the side of us that just wants to find the good in it all and the lesson....the ability to want to say it is ok and i know you didn't mean it and i forgive you....but one cannot just wipe away the violent act of betrayal and lies...the rotten stench of someone smiling and saying something they don't believe and will never admit that they said to you in the first place. That is something that I am and, unfortunately, always will be, a mercenary of, with the foulest intent to revenge all that is sacred in my life...my goodness, my trust, my pride, my love, my joy and my integrity.

I am a warrior, albeit peaceful I suppose, but even the peaceful warrior must take arms and not let the dark penetrate the light...and sometimes this is done by killing the spirit of the evil, rotting stench that we live through...by standing up and being terrifying and furious and moving a wall of powerful hot white burning light forward over the hoards of the dark dank masses who have gathered outside the gates.

As a warrior, our training should be focused and powerful so that when the enemy is in our trench, we are smarter and more powerful then they ever perceived or could have imagined. Their words are simply blips and beeps and sounds that do not register and our heartbeat is a sonar that seeks out and destroys the buzzing blips like a bat to a tiny gnat in the pitch black..searingly fast and sharp and precise...taking each gnat quickly and quietly and with force so violent that the gnat never lived a life, but only died feeding the soul of the aggressor.

Most of you know my writing as a positive world...a place of uplift and joy, but most of you don't know that my writing came out of despair and hurt and frustration originally...and in truth, it is one of my greatest weapons and skills as a peaceful warrior...to paint a world of middle ages the likes no one has seen...

This is the other side of being a writer...bringing the dark and bringing it hard. Do not hold back and do not hesitate for this is the power of the warrior who has trained his whole life to thwart the vast notion that this life is perfect. One must be able to live in that world too in order to come out.

Look around us right now...this world is engulfed in a dark battle of life and death and distrust and betrayal and loss and hate and misunderstanding that only leads to a final cataclysmic fate the likes no one has seen.

The flag...with the faded yellow and red and the ominous dark sky is the beacon of the last survivors and will be there when the dark is all consuming...it is the Last Stand and we must search it out in our souls...we must not give in...

we must stand our ground and dig our feet in and hold our shield high and drive our fist with a blade stronger than ever into an enemy that will not stop and will not forgive and will not die...your light must be more powerful than any Big Bang Theory...for this is the power of the likes they have never seen...a power so bright that it will burn their retinas and sear the skin from their bones and melt the metal around them...

I am not afraid of what is before me. I will move through and blaze my glory through a swath of disbelief and unrelenting blows that will serve as reminders that i will not fall and I will not be ground down.

Is this an apocalyptic entry? I do not pretend to be anything but a warrior at this time and place. I only ask that you embrace your warrior inside and stand up for your integrity and shine a light on the dark world.

I am prepared and ready.

winter, 2010 and other musings

Leaning, originally uploaded by Justin Davis Davanzo.

wow...so it has been a while since i have written and I am convinced it is due to the winter of discontent...well not really so much, but I do feel that this deep freeze winter is contributing to my lack of wanting to do much of anything. Oh and the fact that I have somehow managed to create a work schedule that is consuming my every moment, which will for sure have to change sooner than later, and not to mention i just feel lazy.

The holidays were fantastic and full of family and friends and great parties and the New Year was rung in very nicely and my wife just had her 29th birthday and we have to move again...all of this seems to be overwhelming at first when i think of it, but the reality is that all of it is the amazing full journey that we are moving through and getting to experience with grace and mercy as my mom would say.

As I have lately felt my creative juices simmering on low, it has been a time of reflection and wonder at where I am and where we might be going in life. All things possible and available and all things ready for the taking....it is the moment of decision and commitment of course that is in suspended animation at this moment that makes it seem so far off. I guess the fact that it is 6 degrees out doesn't help much either these days. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I like the snow and the idea of winter, i am not a winter person...i grew up in Southern California and no matter how long i spend here, or how much i try and rationalize winter, it just isn't a fit for me....I went through this in Oregon in the rain too...months of rain and dreary weather did not do so well for me. At least in Boulder, there is alot more sun, but it is a lifestyle change that I don't think i'll ever fully feel ok about. I am not saying that the weather is perfect and always warm back home, but there is for sure a different feel that seems normal to me. This business of constantly being cold, shoveling snow, cleaning the crap off the car, putting on layers of clothes, not being able to just go outside, and spending too much time inside just is not my bag baby.

I don't want to come across like I am complaining...i am simply having a dialogue with myself, and anyone who will read this, about the fact that I feel a certain way and I acknowledge why that might be...

It is kind of like being a sports car made for going fast, and all that ever happens is some old fart drives it slow for a block to work every day...wouldn't you be a little frustrated if you were that car?
Thats all i'm saying.

so for now, I know that this is all temporary and seasons will change and our lives will change too, but realizing the facts can sometimes make us feel better.

happy new year

Love and Understanding.