"Heroes rise above the mediocrity that surrounds them."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"Heroes rise above the mediocrity that surrounds them."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
"Welcome to surgery room 102" said some guy in blue scrubs with his back to me...it might have been the doctor...
"Welcome!" i said, gazing at the big round lights, table and sterile sheets...
then i just had enough time to wonder why i said welcome...you know, he just welcomed me..so why would I say welcome?? then bang, I was waking up in the recovery room...yep..knee surgery...The night before I was in a panic thinking i had a blod clot in my left calf which i then proceeded to scare the crap out of myself by reading too much on Google about them...blood clots can result in a pulmonary embolism..meaning that the clot clogs your lungs and you can die...crap...I had 6 hours to live before i went into surgery...at least that was my mind set...i found myself getting so angry that this stupid injury had now grown into a life threatening blood clot...so lame how we can freak ourselves out...upon showing up at the surgery center that morning i had an ultra sound and the nurse said, " i wish everyone's blood flow was this good, you are totally normal."
ok..then i felt that old familar feeling of self embarrassment that I had let myself get so worked up and been so hard on myself...now I could breathe a it easier and as they shaved my knee and put the IV in and asked me tons of questions, i was able to joke and say stupid things like:
Nurse: "you are 5'8" 160 lbs correct"
Me: "who told you that?"
Nurse:"do you wear any hearing aids?"
followed by the usual snicker from a nurse who was probably somewhat amused, but mostly annoyed...and then my surgeon, whom I, wrongfully, judged to not really care, spent time with me before surgery discussing Picasso and then proceeded to pray over me..not the type of bible thumping prayer that I can't stand, but a true heart felt prayer that was as much for me as it was for him and his realization that we are only human and that there is something we need to latch onto at the most critical moments in our lives...it may be the first time that I actually felt a real prayer in my life go through my body and out. 5 minutes later i was out, in the hands of people that do this type of thing every day like i used to make phone calls...it truly is amazing what these doctors and nurses and people do...truly...
When i woke up, i felt totally stoned and asked for a steak i think...that was it...it was over just like that, but my left leg was wrapped from ankle to toe with a special wrap that Dr. Stoll does to promote fast recovery and then the good news...they cut out some of the meniscus which, although may present problems down the road, promotes very quick healing...like a week and then i'll be riding a bike...wow..i was prepared for 6 weeks of recovery...I couldn't help but think the universe has tested me again, to see how prepared I was to go the distance...which i was...prepared to be laid up for 6 weeks...i think i got emotional at that point, but only the type of emotion that is at the surface in our body where the tears get right to the tip but don't actually fall out...thankful that i was ok..that I still have my leg and my family and my health. Even that minor time spent in the hospital is enough to boost your momentum....get up and take advantage of each day type of enthusiasm..which I plan to do...thoughts of travel and things I want to do are swimming in my brain...thoughts of photos, and bike rides and motorcycles and food and walking.
Today, i am tired and pretty sore and a little spacy from the doses of Vacadin, which i don't really like...contrary to most people's desires, I don't feel that good on them...it is a beautiful day outside and i am on the mend...eager to get out, but willing to take it easy for as long as i need to so i can heal, thankful for everyone that has thought about me and called or written. These are those times when you see how much you are loved. I am a lucky man.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Heath Ledger-28 Years old: 1979-2008
I am saddened by this. It frustrates me and shocks me and makes me wonder... I can't help but think that, for whatever reason, he could no longer make sense of his world that had blown up and probably had never been what he'd wanted....No one will ever know if this was an accident or not, but either way, we have lost another great talent in this short life.
take a moment today to reflect on our own creative drive and angst and live a little fuller...for his sake.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
I woke up this morning for the first time feeling ready to get up and not lay around in bed moping. I realized something so cool...for so many years i have been working my butt off, waking up early, stressing out, wishing i had more creative time on my hands etc...and this morning I woke up thinking, hmmm, what do i get to do today? that is an awesome feeling...Last night i auditioned for a two person play that would be shown in the Fringe Festival at Boulder, a cutting edge theater festival that is becoming very well known...i got an email today being invited back to call backs on Saturday...i am not surprised at this, not because i am bragging, but because i knew it. I am primed and ready to work and be creative and they see that and feel it. I am planning on getting the role which will give me a huge boost in my creative purpose, and if it does not work out then so be it. I am also feeling good about creating a "schedule" for myself..such as, get up, have coffee, check emails, work on blog, work out (of course with surgery this may slow a bit, but not much!) 2-3 hours a day devoted to photography, eat sometime in there, read, workout again (i am a little cuckoo about that i know) go to photography class, go to my wed night nude modeling job (45 bucks for two hours aint bad...i've done it for free), realax...or something of that variation..point being...i get to create my life and day now...it does not create me...
I have had a lot of time to think and reflect and I will have a ton more coming up..and the one thing i have encountered over and over is the idea that this is all part of the plan...the master plan...i have been talking to many new faces and i find myself being sort of relentless in my questions to them, as if i am questioning myself along the way..for example.
JD "so, what keeps you busy during the day?"
XY "umm, well, i work far away at an ad agency...um doing marketing and things. it is ok " No excitement at all in the voice or body...
JD"well, what would you do if you didn't have to do that?"
XY-pause...not really sure what to say to that..."I'd quit my job and travel around the world."
JD" wow, that sounds awesome..so what are you waiting for?"
XY-pause..smile..."i don't know...."
it makes people think...it makes me think...we need to keep asking ourselves the questions and pushing the envelope...as a good friend of mine said to me the other day..."I don't want to be bored with what i do...i don't care about the money, just give me something that will challenge me." He is right...don't be boring and if you are...start asking questions...
speaking of being bored..i need some coffee..
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Surgery is imminent at this point...that was the story as of yesterday while viewing my MRI with the doctor. I have torn my lateral ligament at the meniscus and it is difficult to tell how deep at this point and wether they can fix it without performing arthoscopic surgery. The hope is that they can fix it which is mending of the tendon etc vs. taking out the damaged pieces which is option two and not the preferred one...this is because the chances of arthritis down the road increase with the second option and although the recovery from the procedure is quicker, it is not the best way to go..so fixing is the way to go, but fixing takes 8-10 weeks of rehab and physical therapy. At this point, due to my age and time it is better to have the fix and take the time to heal so that my knee is strong for good...but all of this is obviously a drag no matter what...i would like to say that i am fine and all is well and there are reasons and all that crap, but i am also really bummed, pissed and frustrated. I have my moments of calm and my moments of complete anger and frustration that this was not part of the plan and then i breathe and try and let things be trusting that there will be reasons for all of this...as I am sure there will be, but that does not make it any easier to handle. I know it is also a small thing in the grand scheme of things and when I really stop and look around i do feel lucky that this is all that is wrong...i could be a triple amputee returning from Iraq, which i saw in Esquire today and read an interview with a guy who only has a right arm and the rest are prosthetics..now that is a hurdle..mine is merely a hiccup in life and in no time all will be ok..but I am still pissed off about it and having to deal with the every day things that change...for me, as an athlete, this is a tough one to deal with...it is also a complete change in speed, focus, direction and plans, which obviously is part of the plan, but i still don't like that plan..fine, ok..i hate it...not what i had in mind at all.....
Sunday, January 13, 2008
the word is...i found a place! yes, signed the lease this morning...ok the knee slowed me down enough to show up in the right place at the right time...it happens to be the same landlord that my mom rents from and yesterday because i was not working i managed to squeeze in and see the place just before another guy who she said wanted it, but hadn't shown up yet...well, I snagged it..it was meant to be for sure..i wasn't looking it just sort of showed up..she had called my mom and wondered if i had time to see the place...it is a one bedroom condo with an attached garage, fireplace, washer and dryer, and all the normal elements...bamboo floors, nice kitchen, windows all around, next to a small creek, and smack in the central part of town on 21st and Walnut...the cost is just right and the timing too..they are doing some work to the place until March 1 which gives me more time to work out some kinks, literally...i will find out if i need surgery on Tuesday for the knee...meanwhile, I have managed to put myself in some interesting spots due to the knee problem..like in front of a professional photographer whom i met last night and will hopefully work with as a starting assistant at some point...i find the above writing to be inspiring and true...it is a small portion of a larger piece that I saw at the Denver Art Museum...i wish I could remember the name...read it...The weather here in boulder is beautiful...blue and crisp and sweet ...with a new place on the horizon i feel pretty good and excited to recover and keep doing all things active and creative...I have begun to treat my photos as true art and having framed a few is really a fun thing as it cements in my mind that i am on the right track...for now, i sit in a coffee shop and write and work and read..and having crutches sure gets you some sweet deals...although, i wouldn't suggest them just for that....
Friday, January 11, 2008
well...today I had an MRI on the knee..i won't find out what the outcome is yet until Tuesday, but as I was meditating in the GE Whirlpool MRI Machine (which if you never experienced, is something like being beemed up into the space shuttle, except you never make it...you just listen to a loud set of clicks, beeps and electronics...really wierd) I began to slow down my breathing and truly clear my mind and meditate...trying to put it all into perspective...my thoughts wandered at first all over and as I began to watch them pass by i settled into my monologue that I am currently working on for an audition that I have this coming week..it was an interesting statement to let my mind go to the place that gave me comfort...my acting...i think i was in there for 1/2 an hour, but i was lost in thought and process and it seemed to go by in 5 minutes...Last night i decided to give in and embrace the things i can do..so i went to Costco and bought an amazing photo printer for 89.00 bucks...i thought it might be so so, but the pics i printed to day are amazing...and it has set my mind on fire to create...at the same time, I got my new business cards that say JDD Photography, which i made a week ago on Vista Print..seemed timely that they arrived today..as if to say, here you go, this is your real path right now...be a photographer...so i will be...and an actor and i will put my energy into creating...until I can ski again of course! and then i will do all of it...by the way, i was turned down for another rental opportunity in Boulder which i have found very interesting...a process of natural elimination i suppose...so i don't land in anything I am not meant to be in...this time thing is funny sometimes...trusting and relaxing..hard to do...well, for now, i am going to sit back, have some wine, and enjoy my down time instead of resent it...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The New Year...it is here..again...like last year...wham....there we go again...How fast it arrives from the last year and how many of us can barely remember what it was we were doing at the last year's party as we get ready to count down this years party? It sort of seems like one big Groundhog Day..you know, the one with Bill Murray, when he realizes that he has a ton of times to get it right and keeps trying and screwing up and trying again and second guessing and trying to trick himself and others and then finally just letting go and living...i know, profound movie, but really...isn't that what New Years feels like sometimes? What is your resolution?...the questions is fired off again and again as if this year you'll finally get it right, This year you'll make sure you do it...huh...hmmmmm.....uhhhhhh...huh...yeah....i don't do that anymore...no more resolutions for me (wait, is that a resolution?) shit. I overheard a guy serving coffee to a woman the other day and he was talking about how screwed up our new years calender is as it falls in the middle of winter..when things are hibernating, dead, dormant, cold as crap, and that the ancient calenders, of which i am not sure exactly, but he continued to make the point...were on to something by starting their calenders in the spring..when things are actually starting anew and being born and coming to life...so does that make our time in New Years that much more challenging? How do we find new beginnings in the middle of all this "death"? and cold and sleep??? again i beg the response...hmmmmm...huh....ummmm....good point....i've never been much of a New Years guy, but i have to admit that for me this one will be quite easy to remember..it will be one of those years that marks my life calender when i can actually look back 10 years from now and pinpoint the day and year that my life was vastly different than before...(flash forward 40 years...) yep...i remember New Years Eve 2007..i was 35 yerars old and had just moved to Boulder Co. and i was working as a ski instructor at the local mountain..i had no money and just a trailer in tow...yes siree bob, i was a young buck then...(back to present day)
It seems to be one of those years for me..so much has happened and changed and when I really think about it there is so much magic in the last year, so much love and so much to be lucky for...2007 was an amazing year for me for so many reasons...not one do I regret. i loved them all. I have had alot of time to think in the past four weeks since i have moved and there are times when i am not 100% sure of anything or how I will survive or how i will feel in the time to come..i had my first real moment of missing some of my old life and that was a bit strange...i think normal, but strange...i still have alot to find here and have not settled in yet, but the journey is long and the time i spend reflecting and listening is so valuable.
I wish that everyone this year is able to sit and reflect and ponder and wonder and be amazed and be loved and be alive and be brave and take in each moment of this amazing journey...the one we count down as we pass the years in this strange way of celebration...the journey that begins and ends in the dead of winter amongst such drastice change all around us, the journey that appears to us each morning we wake up and breathe in, the journey that is sometimes dark, and unknown and scary, and fun and perfectly given to each of us in the moment...i hope all of you embrace this year and do the things you want to do and don't wait for another year to go by wishing you had, or wondering...i saw a blind skiier on the mountain the other day...blind....can't see a damn thing and they were slowly making their way down the hill with only a voice to guide them and their brave instincts and trust to lead them...that is incredibly brave....i skied my heart out that day after seeing that...i went faster and turned with more joy and purpose than i had in many years...i laughed and i hooted all the way down...with eyes open...with eyes open......alive in this year....
Happy New Year.