Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Mountains2.JPG, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

I took a ride today...into the mountains...takes your breathe away....a little different than Santa Monica i'd say....

Temple Treasure

Yep, that's me...chubby cheeks and all..that's my mom at 19 years old. Talk about two people who went for it and didn't look parents...whew.  I think back at my life when I was 19. I couldn't wipe my own ass, much less take care of a child.  I truly believe my parents are heroes and I am who I am today because of them.
In case you missed it the other day, this is the picture of my dad that actually corresponds to the one above...give or take a few months (i think), but both of them are groovy and young in these pictures...not that they aren't groovy now...and relatively young still (56) I marvel at life in the way it shapes and molds and brings people together.  I wouldn't trade one thing about the way I was raised and the things I went through and the things that were done.  Like my dad always has made us who we are.  

So here I am today...sorry no picture yet...but here i am today living my life and the courage i have to stand on my own and be brave comes from a basic intrinsic knowledge that my parents have instilled in me...that I can be who I want and I will be ok.  

I had an amazing experience yesterday afternoon with a body healing session I was given for my birthday here in Boulder.  I was on the table getting a massage, but this time, everything was related to my life currently and what i was going through...she would touch a part of my body and talk about my journey as if she had been watching me the past few months...i found myself talking about all things in the present and more importantly, feeling a sense of self realization that my path was that much clearer...funny, how even writing it down, and talking about it, hearing it from a complete stranger was the most concrete part of it was the little thing i needed yesterday to help cement the ideas that I write about, think about and live with each day...I felt re-invigorated and alive and affirmed...which i think is the part we need to hear more, if you can, go to a healer, or a friend, or a parent, or a partner or a dog...whatever works, and talk about your journey with them and watch what happens...listen to their response and what they see in you...I think you will be reminded of your own resolve and strength.

As for me, I am going to sit and drink some more coffee in the sun...

Love and Understanding

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Being a Writer

Silla, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano

This morning i read a horoscope that said what i could be and what i am good at...things like being sensitive and gregarious and excelling in things that are writing for also said that I would be successful in many endeavors as long as I wanted to be. I think something about my Jupiter and Uranus or a Trine of some sort...i don't really know and it is sort of funny that in some ways we can base our whole existence on the moment we were born and where we were in regards to the power of the planets and the insane alignment of the stars above. I sometimes believe it and sometimes i do not, but this morning something resonated with me, i think the element of being good. Being good at being good..being good at being good to others and being good at being good to myself...being good. Is that different than being well? and doing things well? jeez...kind of like "People are finished, Turkey is done." Something my dad always used to remind me of at the dinner table. Ok, fine, then how does my life fit into the cosmic elements of being a writer...and doing it well and being good?

hmmm....well, here i sit today, writing and not really knowing what I will say or think except that I have somehow been inspired by the planets this morning, not really knowing why, but feeling stronger for it and almost absolutely powerful, like I could do anything, create anything, say anything, be anything, and that is where the trouble is sometimes for me. If I can be all those things, how does each day go by without feeling a bit overwhelmed with thte fact that there are so many things to do...that I want to do?  Is it a curse in a strange way?  How do I embrace that element of my life right now?  Can i actually do all of those things...I mean all the time together???  Like, photography, writing, music, bike racing, skiing, motorcycling, family time, love, coffee, travel, cook? that is the conundrum these days...

So today, i have chosen to be a writer...and a photographer.  Last night I was a musician, and a chef...oh and today i will most likely be a bike racer to, only for about 1 1/2 hours though.  The other day I even toyed with going to culinary become a famous chef in a restaurant and create an alter name would be Luigi Calendesi and I hail from Sicily.  I do not talk much, but my food makes people fall in love and die. And I wear those silly black checkered pants and black clogs with brass buttons around the soles and black socks and often I can be found wearing a chef shirt of some kind, the one with the rolled up sleeves and a thermometer, which I carry at all times.  My shirt is never clean as it has the makings of a busy night in the kitchen and I often smell of Pancetta and wine and stinky cheese, but my 3 children love it and i make them homemade pizza with pretzels on top or goldfish if they wife and i ride our bikes on the weekends and often tour the hills in europe when I travel there to meet with other famous chefs who can never quite figure out my strange accent...and we drink wine and our cheeks are often rosy, not from libations, but from life.  

I made pizza last night.

So today I am a writer...not a chef and my name is not Luigi, but maybe it will be Grey Pasqual McShay...that would be my pen name..."Hello Grey"  "Yes, thank you" I would say as I visited my favorite small coffee shop to find my muse each day and kill my critic inside that tells me I am no good and shouldn't have any business being  a writer.  To the death I would fight that voice every day and i would kill him in many ways..ways that are gory and violent, like the last scene in "There Will be Blood"...with a wooden bowling pin to the head..or maybe soft like the passing of a dog on a metal table, where the last breathe is softly exhaled and the tongue slowly seeps out the side and the warmth slips away and the silence is deafening...or maybe I would hire a hit man to hunt him down and shoot him in the dark alley behind a live concert while he smokes and laughs and plots new ways to bring me down....I like coffee...alot...i think it may be my addiction in life.  Good thing too because i don't think heroine and I would mix well, but beans...oh beans...the sweet dark oily lovers that I would cross oceans and mountains could I love them so much??  How is it that they love me so much?  

I worked at Starbucks and didn't drink coffee, but I remember the tingling feeling my fingers would have from handling the beans all day...the buzz. I used to be a coffee pusher to the rich, but I was a coffee Robinhood really...i used to take more than my fair share of the sweet bean and pass it around to my poor friends who could not really afford the 9.98 /pound cost for our sweet addiction...well, their addiction, which I am now a part of.  Where is my Bean Robinhood?  Why have you foresaken me?  Cream please.

So today I am writing and out comes things that are seemingly trivial, but guess what...being a writer is not glorious and have to spend time dancing and fighting and bleeding and laughing.  Otherwise, what is there to write about?  Laundry?  

well, actually, yes.   I like the smell of a freshly dried towel and the feel of a used Bounce on my fingers as I scrape the lint away from the trap and roll it into a small ball and feel the warmth of the glass on the window of the dryer and look outside at the day and wonder what it would take to be a medieval knight fighting in the Crusades with a sword that is taller than me....what did they do with dirty clothes?

Just enough cream to swim lightly and two scoops of thick heavy granulated brown raw sugar please.  I have work to do.

Love and Understanding

Monday, April 28, 2008

Somewhere in Europe

The little stream outside the window....
The front porch for sitting in the sun and drinking coffee
The cozy living room with a fireplace
The home theater
Where the blog happens
ahh...the garage, and below...the man room

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Path

TheMagicDoor.JPG, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

On the path we walk we do not always know in what direction we will turn or why. We only have to walk and decide which path to take. Today I am on a particular path of deciding why I am on the path I am on and as I approach yet another fork, I am embracing my instinctual, yet hesitant urge, to choose something that, on paper, may not be or more importantly, FEEL, like the right path, but only because of societal i walk on the path and if I close my eyes and imagine myself on the path to the right, the one that instinctually feels good, i become enlightened and true and free and know that it is the right place...because if i choose the other one, i have killed my spirit and my love and my reason to be on the path in the first place...not to say it is the wrong path, but if you get better at reading the signs, they are clear..."This path is fine, but it is slippery when wet and there are rocks on the road and merging traffic"....the right path only has one sign...."Freedom". Sure, there may be rocks and curves, but there are also mountains and streams and trees and the kind of smells that carry you through a moment in which you are aware of life's brilliant gifts that are so simple, yet so huge that we cannot comprehend.....All around there is new life in the air with spring, the kind i have not seen much in life...i watch the tree in front every day and marvel at its strength and new life on each branch...the new green sweet leaves that are pushing through and coming back...The stream that is full of new water coming from the snow in the mountains...the unfamiliar bird song that seems to be everywhere these days. Spring. Life......The path to take is the one that feels scary in the gut and makes you uneasy and unsure, but really makes you happy.....hold onto the feeling and let it sit and really ask yourself...what is the way for me? Not, where should I walk for others?

I am taking the road less traveled...and it is perfect.

Love and Understanding.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

A story.

DSC_0363.JPG, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

This is a story about a man who moved away and thought things would be easy. They weren't. This man had a hard time finding work and a place to live and then one day, he hurt his knee...and he had to get surgery on the knee and it hurt. And the man was not too happy, but he remembered that all things pass and all things happen for reasons sometimes unknown. And this man spent a long long time laying on a couch in his safe place where he was surrounded by love. And sometimes the man was angry, and sometimes he was sad, and sometimes he slept, dreaming of times that were and could be. But mostly the man thought and thought and thought...and those thoughts were wandering big thoughts, who was he? who did he want to be? what did he want to do? what was this life for and why? where was he going?

None of these questions the man could answer and so he went on, slowly healing and little by little, like a spring day, he came back to life, slowly but surely and then before he knew what happened, time had passed and he was healthy again. His knee was healed and his mind was working a bit clearer, although still with many of the same questions, but now the man could do things like ride his bike up mountains and laugh in the wind and feel alive with hope and wonder at the very thing that brought him on this journey...his two legs and his heart and his see, one day this man had ridden up this very mountain and he breathed very hard and sometimes thought he might turn around and quit, but he never did...instead he continued on...up the mountain to the very top, where, he sat alone in the hot hot air and drank some soda and marveled at his life...and then, he rode down the mountain, fast...faster than the wind, so fast that no one or thing could catch him, not a car, not the wind, not even his mind...but there was one thing that did catch And at that moment, this man new he was destined for a new journey that would be full of amazement and love and possibility...

Now this man was riding up the same mountain, only this time he was laboring a bit more and struggling to turn over his tired and weak legs that had sat too long, but he remembered that moment...riding down the mountain and for 2 hours he couldn't wait for that moment...and when it finally came, he flew again, but this time he knew that his adventure was for real...not a thought or a hope...he knew that no matter what, he would always get to be free if he let himself and he would always know that true love existed....

So this man won a trip to Mexico, which is a story for another time, but the man knew that it was all because he hurt his knee. And he smiled and sat quietly by the stream and felt very lucky. He had made his world a better place, even though sometimes going up a hard mountain can try your heart and mind and legs, but simply breathing and trusting means that you will always get to come down the other fast or slow as you want.

The man was happy.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Another Day

Sunset on the Bay.JPG, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

And so the sun goes clockwork...on another day that is glorious and full of joy and exploration and not knowing what the next day will bring..Funny how the sun does the same thing in every part of the goes down and people ponder and wonder and marvel, just as the next person is doing the same as the sun comes up. This world we live in so full of hope and love and fear and inspiration...full of the warmth of the sun and the expectation that it will just be there...not unlike that person you love who you just expect to be there in the is important to remember that life is completely....

Love and Understanding

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Family Tree

Yes..that is me...36 years ago.
This is my great grandfather...Nanu Balzano..he was a boxer...i like to box
That's my dad...he is a handsome man..sitting in the redwoods I think...

That's my dad...still handsome and Italian

That's my sister...she likes to eat...and she's italian and beautiful

ok...that's all for your dreams and visualize your place in the world...i know I need to.

Love and Understanding

Monday, April 21, 2008

The New Beginning-Part II i haven't written in a while..yes, that is true, but being born again is a tough process and having been gestating and incubating now for 5 months meant i had to go into in, being born again in my life in Boulder...for real..for good...for sure....growing roots finally and landing in a home and having the things around me again that make me feel like I am actually living and not just bike riding, my motorcycle that finally made it here, the new home that is like being in France or Italy, the coffee maker that makes coffee in the morning before I wake up, the large flat screen tv providing a theater at home, the new office space and the garage that stores all the tools and toys and a car, and, well, my new knee...
 But more importantly, there is love here, the kind that is unconditional and supporting and nuturing and loving and sometimes that takes the place of anything and everything that makes one happy...that is the ultimate place to be and the ultimate thing to  So i sit today and write a short moment to bring myself back to the land of the living and begin a totally new life here in France, or Italy or  Boulder...or maybe Mexico....

Love and Understanding.