Thursday, December 13, 2012
I haven't actually written something longer than a quote in a while...partly because I was tired...tired of writing. The creative life that we lead has a way of choosing which forms take a rest for while and although i am aware of my actions in being on this blog on a daily basis if possible, the full writing exercise has been asleep and resting for a while. I awake now to write about a journey that i am on. One that has scared me and put me in a place of great emotion and challenge. For some it may seem trivial, but in this life we lead now of supreme convenience, ease, and loss of identity, purpose and intent, it is a journey that i must take, to live, to survive or maybe to just prove that i still can. That I can do it. That i can take the steps needed to accomplish a crazy goal that only i can accomplish and in doing so prove to myself that i am alive and full of passion and purpose and love.
I am running a marathon. For those of you who know me, you know that running has never been a favorite of mine and i can't without full purpose claim that it is now, but running has grown on me as each day presents a new triumph towards the peak of the mountain. In my life, i don't know if i have ever put forth a goal so specific and for me this is the most important lesson that i am striving to learn...that this goal is about the doing, about the daily journey, the small steps, the difficult moments, and the ultimate end result that drives us forward and, in the end, that result is merely the shining moment of all the work.
It is the analogy i need for my art and for my life to remember that each day is a training day. A day to contemplate and to take it in small strides and to breathe and be filled with an inner strength.
It has been 13 weeks of training. Halfway through a 26 week training schedule that has me running 4 times a week in small increments. So far the longest run I have completed is 6.2 miles in my first 10k ever and the run was, for me, something that i have never experienced. Amidst the 2200 people running around me, it was quiet except for my breathing and the sound of my feet. For runners out there i am sure this is not a new feeling but for me the surprising joy i felt when i ran and crossed the line has been missing in my life for some time as an athlete.
I now find myself thinking and dreaming about the marathon and when i do it is extremely emotional because i know that no one is going to run it for me. No one can train for me. No one can go through the potential suffering that will be endured. I know that each step i take now in the journey is one step closer to that goal, but i must remember that the marathon is not the goal. The goal is the journey, the run, the sweet sound of the ground beneath my feet.
I used to think runners were crazy especially marathon runners, but i am proved wrong and i have found an ultimate respect for the runners out there in every shape and size and I get it. I get it.
I am training alone. I don't run with a group yet. I run alone. Most have said it is harder to run alone so maybe that is why i do it, but i love it. I can't say that i won't run with others and enjoy it, but the aloneness is part of the journey for me. No distractions.
I don't want this to sound like i wrote it to brag. I am writing this to share my fear. To share my doubt. To share the terror i actually have of this huge looming day, which i know in the end will only be a day. A day that i will live through and cherish no matter what because the journey is the gift. To some this may seem petty, and i am aware that there are bigger things in life, but ultimately we all need this journey, however it presents itself in our lives. We must take the small steps and be happy with them and know that this journey makes us strong and in the end we are the only ones who can take the step.
I don't know why i met the man in the mountains who opened my eyes to the marathon. I don't know if he was an angel or a demon. I don't know if i am running away from them or to them, but i inherently feel that i am running with them.