Wednesday, January 14, 2009

the big house...er, little house


yellow and concrete, originally uploaded by Justin Davis Davanzo.

ok..not really, but this picture makes me laugh...for a few reasons...for those of you faint of heart and not able to cope with poo poo stop reading....

I spent a good 8 years of my life in the construction industry almost on a daily basis and you guessed it....that equals a bit of time spent in the Gump, the Blue Room, Office, Hot Shed, Crapper, Stone Thrower, The Hole, Shitter....The Outhouse (DUH DA DUH...music cue) Ok...so there it is...Now, there is a whole philosophy and practice behind this contraption that some of you may not know about, care to know about or understand, but believe me, when you are on the job at 6am and that first cup of coffee has gone through you and all around is dirt and wood...well, you have no choice...now if i were camping, fine, dig a hole, but come on, this is uncivilized behavior and you wouldn't want to get fired for crapping in a whole and having the little neighbor kid see you. (story for another time)

So you learn...you cope...you hold your breathe...but after a while you have to master this...and let me tell you...i did. In the beginning I was only a ditch digger and I had no priority status so those times were horrid and scary and downright shitty. But, as my time in the business was put in, i eventually made it to the top of the pooping, er, pecking order...I was now the supervisor, the jeffe, the boss man, the guy who could show up and time it just right at one of the 8 jobsites around town....me..the top crapper....but let me tell you how this works.

Imagine if you will, a jobsite with 40 guys a day (i've had upwards of 100 a day) I shit you not....(ok, fine, this will be full of puns...) 40 grown men, who often eat things off bad little trucks called Roach Coaches, and drink beer and don't really have the best hygene standards to begin with...ok...that is on average, 40 ummm....gifts a day in the Hot Box....why is it called the Hot Box you ask? try sitting in that thing when it is 85 degrees out...you'll understand...not unlike a sweat lodge...only hellish and full of flys....(i just threw up in my mouth a little)...ok...so starting to get the picture..now, multiply that by 3 days at a minimum because that is usually the time it takes for the Honey Sucker to come and clean it out...which by the way, if you ever complain about your job, think about that guy...he drives around all day in a shit truck and cleans out crappers all day long with a big hose, tall rubber boots, a big brush and a hose...yeah...and don't stand within 100 yards down wind while he's doing it or you'll pass out from the smell....Have I lost a few readers yet? ( i can't believe I have stooped this low on my blog...it always comes back to this..maybe from the monkey blog yesterday...yeah...it had to lead to poop) ok...so...3 days in, 40 guys a day...a mountain of.......a mountain. what in god's name do you do???

you see?? this is not just a matter of going to the bathroom, this is a strategy of survival and hierarchy and smart decisions...not unlike life...you thought this was just a crap story...this is the ultimate analogy for life...so hang in there...

So having reached the pinnacle of my career in the outhouse world i'll fill you in on some key points in surviving this horrible experience..and you'll be amazed at the possibilities...some of this may seem obvious, but through years of trial and error, i am about to share some very important tips....but first, lets discuss the actual Andy Gump itself and the thought that has gone into it.


The Andy Gump is synonymous with other names i have seen...The Throne, The Port -o Potty ( a sweet and very misleading name) there are many companies out there who have capitalized on the basic human need for a bathroom break...some are so fancy these days that I wish i had one right out back...a sink with water, a pump soap dispenser, mirror, some fragrant aroma dispenser etc..but those are far and few in between and frankly, not for the real working man/woman. No, I am refering to the lightweight (possible designed by NASA Plastic), mobile, easily washable, simply outfitted, and single purposed Andy Gump....Walk in and to the left usually a good supply of sanitary seat protectors (key to some of the most important elements of this process, not just to protect your bum)...look up and you'll see the screens that keep the airflow (and I say that loosely) somewhat stable and the vent out the top...who thought of that and how long did it take to figure it out...it helps...not much but enough...ok...now, if you are lucky this will be blessed with a hand sanitizer, but don't get pushy. Now, often it is stocked with two rolls, but again, don't make a rookie mistake here and assume...more on that later...the sliding lock is very stable and the hard plastic all around you is strong enough to withstand multiple rock and foreign missle attacks from surrounding hostile workers who have just seen you step inside and have been waiting to launch their barage of RPG's at the sides and fronts of your new home...scares the shit right out of you if you aren't expecting it...hell, even if you know its coming..and don't forget the pleasant urinal to your right, often filled with god knows what...a sanitary pancake, toilet paper, tobacco spit, cigarette butts, and things that resemble oysters...gag.

Now, this is also a chance to reflect on the different personalities of some of the workers who, for some reason, can't go in there without a large colored pen to write out there true feelings, or better yet, illustrate the inside with pornographic pictures, the likes you have never seen. The funny thing is, most of the time, the spelling and grammer is more fun than the actual crude remarks...but remember, these are YOUR co workers/employees...pooping and writing and laughing to themselves as they do it...it is also a favorite hang out for dope smokers who, gee, think that no one will notice the pungent aroma of shit and weed wafting from the chimney pipe...yes...i have fired a few workers for this...dumbshits...

Simple and purposeful this little poo hut, and quite cozy in a rain storm...the rain on the plastic roof....but i digress...let's get down to buisness...

The Act:

I am going to jump right into the advanced use and hierarchical method of shitting in the Gump. I will let you into a world few have ever thought about or experienced with such detail...here it goes.

I am the job site supervisor...the king of the roost, the man who makes the decisions or doesn't...I am the general of the army of men who work here day in and day out. I have ordered my Honey Sucker to come 2 times a week...that means on Monday morning we have a fresh Gump and generally on Thursday morning, although that may lead into the afternoon as well. I plan ahead. If i have 20 men a day minimum, i clean twice a week...if if have over 50, i may have two of these bad boys, but for now, we assume one with...oh lets say, 35 men...not too bad really. The day is chilly...a cool 45 degrees and a bit damp. I have just arrived at 6:30 am and I have my coffee in hand. Now, I must time this right before the heat and the masses arrive, but I must also be sharp in the morning because without my orders, these guys may not get going properly...you know...motivational needs. So I do a quick walk around, make sure they are all showing up and within the hour I am ready for the journey i came to enjoy..yes you heard me...the one place no one can find me (well..most of the time)....the place where i can be peaceful and mindful for a bit....you laugh...you cringe...man up.

I grab my reading material and my jacket...remember, it is cold plastic you are about to put your warm ass on....now, i know the truck has been here so i am approaching what i like to term as "Blue Water"...sounds like a horror movie...no, this is the phenomenon that only happens twice a week...a completely empty pot of Blue Water beneath you...now you may say, what is so bad about that??? well I will tell you...at this stage in the game you are dealing not so much with vast amounts of...ahem, you are dealing with a completely different animal all together....an empty bucket that you are about to drop a large, um, rock into from two to three feet up....the dreaded SPALSHBACK!!! Quite possibly the worst feeling ever and it will only take one time for that to happen and you will learn quickly, but I am going to help you avoid that error all together....

step inside...it is chilly and the water used by the Honey Sucker is freshly coating the inside of the Gump....clean...the urinal is actually empty and a fresh pancake is sitting there waiting to do its job...the seat is down but wet...the paper is stocked...now remember i mentioned earlier the rookie mistake? I say this once...NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE FORGET TO CHECK YOUR TP STATUS...if you get stuck in there and realize after the fact that you have two sheets left you are screwed and quite possibly will never recover from the hell you have just put yourself into...hence the newspaper comes in handy as "reading material" but as you see, can be used in a complete blunder of poop etiquette...please...look before you leap.

ok...TP stocked..grab a handful and dry off the black rimmed seat infront of you..don't linger too long by gazing into the deep dark blue...it will conjur up horrifying animals that live there and want to crawl up your ass as you shit...look away...dry off the seat. This next step is key...turn to your left and grab two to three of the sanitary seat covers...open them up and gingerly drop them into the water...try and get the to land flat and cover the water below...do this...do not question me...do this until it is a thin film of tissue below...now, grab the last one and cover the seat...this is more for the cold than anything, but can't hurt...remember, studies have shown that the cleanest spot in a bathroom is the seat...asses tend to stay fairly clean...just don't sit in the pee. now...you are prepared...turn and drop trough...ok...here is the splash back i have been talking about...since you have followed my instructions you will succeed...your barage (whatever it may be for that morning...) will be encapsulated and caught like a softball in a nicely oiled well worn mit and the splashback will be eliminated by your carefully placed tissue....you have now passed the moment of dread...this is where i actually like to settle in...take your time...read your paper..listen for people sneaking up on your peaceful moment...check your phone...hell, make a call...i used to...this is your time...you have worked hard, planned and executed perfectly....The rest of this is as usual...wipe your ass and walk out with your head held high...don't flinch at this moment or they will see your weekness. There is mythical power in the Gump poop...they see you go in and spend too little time they will not respect you...they see you go in and take your time they will be slightly horrified and very respectful of your power...you can even turn around and give the Hot House a couple shoves to "flush"...figure it out..

You are done...you have made it through another day...now...remember, this is just one scenario of skillfully surviving the Gump...remember as the days go on, that blue water gets thick and the splash back is exponentially more dangerous than ever before...the only thing more dangerous than the shit splash is the poo mountain...but by then you have failed as a general...you have overloaded your Gump and your men will all be after your head...I won't go into the details of how to deal with the Poo Mountain...just don't.

If you have read this entire thing than you are a strong and brave being...and you may at this point be wondering my mention of the best analogy for life out of this learning...

Here it is.....

Before you shit in blue water, slow down, prepare, think, read, and walk with your head high...because people know you shit, but they don't know how well you deal with it...such as life...don't let all the shit scare you off...if you are careful you'll never be dealt a load of shit you can't handle.


Love and Understanding

10 comments:

Luke said...

We called it the Honey Bucket. I've never heard Honey Sucker, but it goes nicely. Little known fact: Anyone who does a river trip on the Grand Canyon has to carry out their "honey"...it cannot go in the river. Meaning, some unlucky boatman (me) had to carry the Honey Bucket...for two weeks...in the Arizona heat...on his boat.

Let's just say, I've smelled things that no human should ever be forced to smell. I mean, I had better scenery than most while smelling those horrid smells, but it was ugly in the late afternoon...after a big lunch with 20 passengers. Gawd, the day after Mexican night was awful...

Babbo said...

Son,
This is simply the best, most riveting, dare I say useful entry you have ever written. I laughed out loud reading this in my office.

But I still can't do it.

Justin Davis Davanzo said...

I only offer my learned and most treasured experience on this blog. thank you dad.

junibucher said...

I never once thought of turning away from the screen reading this...I swear, I could smell that nasty Porto Potty "deodorizer" scent....and your analogy for life made it all worth it in the end (pun intended!!!!).Love Poo, Love You!

lu said...

Ok, I'll admit, I'm knee deep in the stuff here at home with 14 year old twin boys and my reading remediation class is really a study in flatulence etiquette and control, so I had to take this in increments--

Funny...Yep, You, my friend are on sharpening quite an interesting edge here of late. I like.

Vintagedivva said...

A sanitary pancake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!
Remind me to tell you my poop story!!!!!!!!!!
~nik

Swirly said...

Genius!

TitaBella said...

new meaning to the Tao of Poo

Ms. Conley said...

Madison is going to love this and she will repeat it everywhere....it will go down in history and will soon become urban legand among many children..Not as good as Poo Orca and Pee Dolphin, but very close....XO Cheers to the POO...

Magdalena said...

Hi Justin, I did not read this post, I'm sorry, but I've got a question for you. This is a question for me too, and for all of us. Please, tell me, how do you think? How can we preseve about the Tibet affair? I'm thinking about it right now. How do you think? What we can do? ps. Sorry for my terrible english, I hope you understand what I wanted to say.