off track

lonely, originally uploaded by Justin Davis Davanzo.

amazing how a bad cold can completely send you off the tracks of the daily routine..it is beyond me why this happens to me every time i get one...i mean, the thought process of it all. I find myself first being really frustrated that i got sick and blaming myself and my environment for not being strong enough or healthy enough. Then I try and figure out why i need to slow down...what is the cold telling me? then i get mad again...why the F am I sick??? again??? what the hell??? Then after a long nap and giving into the whole business, i enjoy it for a moment, then I feel like a big huge loser....doing nothing, making a mess, unhealthy, not able to go skiing or spend time with Nita or the family. Then i blow my nose and fall asleep and dream really wierd Nyquil induced, stuffy nose dreams...then I awake and look outside and wonder why me...why am I the ONLY one who got sick? huh?? what did i do to deserve this?

after my 5th movie and trying to do something "productive" like reading or writing, i fall asleep on the couch wondering what it would be like to have lots of money and no worries and servants who bring me tea when i ring the bell. (another Nyquil induced dream and thought) It is usually at this time that I decide enough is enough, get up, take a shower, get dressed and then think about doing something...and then realize, that i am not being very nice to myself...not treating me with care, or giving myself the permission to be ok in stinky pj's all day...would I do this to my child when I have one??? heck no...Can you imagine what that sounds like??
"Get dressed already! You've been lying around for 2 whole days doing...lord knows what! You're not sick! Take it like a man! Get going and finish up your work and the things you are putting off!! And while your at it...be stronger, be smarter, be better, and don't ever get sick again!:"

yeah..something like that...I would be taken away for child abuse and neglect probably...so...why is this ok for me to say to me? it is not...that is the point.

I think this is one of my life lessons that is probably the hardest thing for me to learn and move beyond...I am so hard on myself during times of strife and i am fully aware of it, but continually have to fight against it and stand up for myself and work against all the negative crap that i put in my own head...now imagine...couple that with all of the other negative input we receive throughout the day from other sources...wow...it is a wonder sometimes that we can get up and stand at all...the battle we wage to maintain our "track" of daily life...the reality of our goodness is always under attack by the voices and the signs that try and pull us off track...

I find solace in knowing that it is a common human condition that we all go through every day...the daily struggle to shine our light into the darkness of our own minds...the knowledge that we cannot see past our own light in our world, but trust that the light will reveal its path with each step forward...and only then will we see what the reasons were for being sick, for losing, for trying, for being scared, for loving, for giving, for not knowing....

our light is the pathway to our own maps if we trust that the maps are leading us down the right path...

so..here is my reasoning for being sick...my batteries were low and they needed to be recharged so i could shine my light and see the details on the map more clearly...


love and understanding.