Friday, January 25, 2008

This morning

stuck, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

this morning i am up on the early side...i suppose..although not so early as I have been used to in my life, but these days anytime before 8 seems early...with the bad knee, i have accepted the idea that I can relax a bit and take time to sit, drink my coffee...(oh how i love coffee) and write and greet the new day.  I have to get better at capturing the moments i have each day that come over me as i walk or think...meaning that I have so many things i want to write about, like telling a funny can always think of one when you don't need to, but then on the spot, you can't remember it....yeah, kinda like that.  Life each day is so full of realizations, triumphs, disappointments, and surprises; what fun.  As I get closer to my surgery, which is on Monday, I find myself embracing all things more and more; going to the gym, walking around with the camera, writing, eating, taking my has an amazing way of floating along if you let it, if you don't try to grab on too tight and tell it what to do.  I have always thought about the "Whiplash" game as a kid, when 20 or so kids get in a long line, hold hands and then run around like a snake and the last one holding on wins...well, at the end of that line is one kid holding on for dear life as the whiplash effect begins to grow and take shape and eventually after trying to hold on as hard as possible, they are thrown off onto the grass and the snake moves on...well, for some, they want to get back on, but for me, i quickly realized, that I didn't really enjoy that...and as I have grown older there are things in life that i realize I don't have to do if I don't want not having to play the game and hold on for dear can let go and simply walk off and it is so much easier that way.  The universe has a way of playing that game if you let it, if you try and hold on too tight, if you make it your goal to not let go it will chuck you eventually and probably with a force you didn't know existed.  

Easier said than done...because often that letting go feels like you are giving up or losing, or not playing the game that everyone else is playing.  That is the challenge in this life and upon some further reflection the other day it was clear to me that the design of the universe has given some of us the wisdom to let go and follow our own path...albeit lonely sometimes, or hard, or scary, or unknown, but it is our gift and our realization that we can live "our" life and that is what we have been given.  It makes sense though, when you look around, that there are many who will never have that opportunity or have been designed to fit into the grand scheme of things so that others may have that journey.  I don't know what to call it..kharma? reincarnation? Gods fantastic design? Chance? i don't know...but i do know that seeking our own journey and trusting that we can let go and sit in the quiet and the light is the most amazing thing in the world...we must create our own life.  we must not live for tomorrow.  we must embrace our perfect beings and our gifts.  "Who are we to be small?"

Be big.  Be brave.  Be mischevious.   Be quiet.


Babbo said...

I let go too when I sold the company. It was great to have that break. You are in the same place, for different reasons, and beyond the time you will be recuperating from your surgery. There were times I thought I'd never work again, until one morning when it became very clear, and the desire to get back in the saddle became unmistakable. Life really is an adventure. And things happen for a reason, but most often we don't know what that is until after the fact.

Anonymous said...

Once again, the tears are streaming down my face as I read the passage you wrote for today. I have been angonizing about a few things in my life- why, just a few hours ago I was tossing the issues over with my sister who has always been my sounding-board. I needed to hear what you had to say- I so desperately needed it that I sit her almost relieved. Doubting the path I am walking down has been the ever present question in my mind since Paul was killed. I have questioned it so much that in the past three years I have lost sight of who I was and what was important to me because for so long I put first what was important to Paul. You have a way of doing that when you are married. A compromise, an agreement, a commitment, a love - so strong- that you become one. That oneness makes all in your own life less important as you look to the person who makes you beam. You try everything in your power to put them and their dreams first. It becomes instinctual- you love them above all.
I must trust that I CAN let go and create a life so big and beautiful that I will NEVER question myself one more second.
You are my breath of fresh air...I inhale with ease when I read your words and am so thankful that they have stumbled from your page and into my life.

Justin Davis Davanzo said...

Amanda, I think it is you who will prove to be a breathe of fresh air to everyone who reads this and your blog....thank you for giving to everyone.

Justin Davis Davanzo said...

Amanda, I think it is you who will prove to be a breathe of fresh air to everyone who reads this and your blog....thank you for giving to everyone.