Friday, February 8, 2008

light


light, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

as in light at the end of the tunnel...tonight i ate my first real meal since my surgery!!! it was heavenly....Broccoli, potatoes, salad and an amazing pork loin..mmmmm....all prepared by my godfather Richard Turley...a fitting thing since he used to babysit me when i was just a wee pup...i mean wee as in first born...thanks Turtle for the amazing dinner.

Well, to say the least, the last two weeks has been quite the ride and sometimes i felt foolish feeling tired and angry and grumpy and other times i just felt helpless...and it was hard to imagine something bigger than this right now...today i drove a car to work and had my first day back since i hurt my knee...granted i am not teaching skiing, but nonetheless a stimulating desk job was just what the doctor ordered...i have my own office in the ski school building and I actually get to do my own thing a bit...nice really and especially since it is a job...after sitting on the couch for that long (and I know and recognize that this is minor compared to some, but for others we have our extremes and this was mine right now) was tough...I don't think i have really been taking life for granted per se, but as usual an experience like this will for sure help one remember to appreciate the little luxuries in life...I look back at the date of my injury which happened on Jan 8...a month ago...wow...really i can't believe it is only a month..it has seemed like an eternity..i'm not out of the woods yet as I have a full month of Physical Therapy and I can't just run around happy go lucky. Last night i almost killed myself falling down two small steps in the middle of a restaurant..just one wrong step and I went down...funny, no one helped me up and no one asked if i was ok..i think they were just shocked and most couldn't figure out if i was limping before or after the fall..i felt retarded and silly and embarrassed and all the things that our ego feels in those moments, and then it was gone...who cares? so what? yeah, i fell...and then i had the slightest, teeniest, smallest inkling of what it must be like to be handicapped and have people look at you out the side or steal a glimpse of you to try and understand what the problem is...i don't know what they thought, but i had a moment of proud anger...like, "hey, i'm stronger than you can imagine, but right now i am having a moment so deal with it."...i don't know if it makes sense, but all the moments lately have been trying to, once again, teach me about self compassion and patience, which i ran out of the other day (ok, maybe for 3 days) and it is those times that i walk away feeling like i didn't quite make it to the level of understanding i had hoped, which is ok...i actually think i did pretty damn good overall for the last month...knowing me....I have had so much support throughout the ordeal and really owe it to all of those who love me and care so much about me...that is really the biggest thing for me to remember...thank you thank you thank you.....for your love.


So, let's just say, i have been through a relatively dark forest and come out the other side and the sun seems to be just a bit brighter and the trees just a bit greener and the smells just a bit stronger and my knee...well, my knee...just a bit more character with 35% of the meniscus gone...i now qualify as someone who has had knee surgery...and i kid you not, almost everyone i meet (especially working at the mountain) has had some sort of knee surgery at some time or another...wow...

For now, i'll continue to do my little leg raises and tiny squats and scissor moves and rubberband thingys and try and walk as normally as possible and smile...because i can.

love and understanding.

4 comments:

amanda said...

I love the term "proud anger"...I know what you mean by that- the way people look at you - wondering what could be wrong with you. I used to get that a lot after Paul was killed. Sympathetic eyes...I used to call it "the look." God- how I couldn't wait to shake that feeling. It got to a point, just as you said , that you didn't care-so what- big deal. This is my particular handicap for the moment and I need to deal...we all are delt cards in our life that we don't want- we don't choose, but that IS LIFE...that's what it's all about. It certaintly does make us appreciate the calmness of a perfect moment...when everything is in line...when our family members are safe and happy, when we are healthy, when there's extra money in our bank account, when we're enjoying our job, when we have that moment of clarity. You are experiencing a difficult moment Justin and you are handling it in an amazing way- a way people rarely handle anything. You've found the good and recognized that there is a light- things are wonderful in spite of all that can go wrong...

This past year the Karp march raised money for an additional cause. The name of the 24 year old soldier is Joseph Briseno. Joe Jr. (or Jay) was shot at point blank range in the back of the head in a Baghdad market place. As a result of his injury- he became paralized from the neck down and also went into cardiac arrest which left him blind. I must say- that in spite of this tragedy- in spite of not being able to move, speak, eat solid food, or see -I never before in my life met such a wonderful family as the Brisenos and their son. So happy, so thankful. Jay has made miraculous progress in physical therapy and still rallies fervently for the Washington Redskins!!!! (also a favorite team of mine!!) We laughed, talked and cried together and I parted their company knowing that I could overcome anything that life has in store for me if I just think of Jay and the inspiration he is to me and countless others and also the impact he has had on my life.

Know this- you are more than half way to being fully mended because your mind set is so positive. Now your physical body just has to catch up!!!! Hee Hee

Thank you for writing tonight- I must confess that I checked your blogg more than a few times since Wednesday to see what wonderful words you wrote. Thank you - once again...

Amanda
Romel too

Justin Davis Davanzo said...

wow...thanks so much Amanda..this entry is a blog in itself for sure...i got goosebumps re: that young soldier...what an amazing story of courage, bravery and love. that is truly what overcomes and you are right...i am halfway already and for the first time in my life i am waiting for my body to catch up!!!
Thank you for your constant words of wisdom...

hope you are dancing in the rain!

Swirly said...

Just a few weeks ago I was in Barnes & Noble, walking down what I thought were two stairs...NOPE, it was THREE stairs and I fell forward like a drunk sailor. Like you, people around me seemed kind of stunned. It still seems like a surreal moment to me...how interesting you experienced something similar.

We are cheering you on every step of the way - here's to big dinners!!

Lisa said...

Glad to hear you are on your way to a full recovery.

In the end, stronger than before.