Surgery is imminent at this point...that was the story as of yesterday while viewing my MRI with the doctor. I have torn my lateral ligament at the meniscus and it is difficult to tell how deep at this point and wether they can fix it without performing arthoscopic surgery. The hope is that they can fix it which is mending of the tendon etc vs. taking out the damaged pieces which is option two and not the preferred one...this is because the chances of arthritis down the road increase with the second option and although the recovery from the procedure is quicker, it is not the best way to go..so fixing is the way to go, but fixing takes 8-10 weeks of rehab and physical therapy. At this point, due to my age and time it is better to have the fix and take the time to heal so that my knee is strong for good...but all of this is obviously a drag no matter what...i would like to say that i am fine and all is well and there are reasons and all that crap, but i am also really bummed, pissed and frustrated. I have my moments of calm and my moments of complete anger and frustration that this was not part of the plan and then i breathe and try and let things be trusting that there will be reasons for all of this...as I am sure there will be, but that does not make it any easier to handle. I know it is also a small thing in the grand scheme of things and when I really stop and look around i do feel lucky that this is all that is wrong...i could be a triple amputee returning from Iraq, which i saw in Esquire today and read an interview with a guy who only has a right arm and the rest are prosthetics..now that is a hurdle..mine is merely a hiccup in life and in no time all will be ok..but I am still pissed off about it and having to deal with the every day things that change...for me, as an athlete, this is a tough one to deal with...it is also a complete change in speed, focus, direction and plans, which obviously is part of the plan, but i still don't like that plan..fine, ok..i hate it...not what i had in mind at all.....
Now...how to deal...i have decided that every day will be different...i may have days that suck and are hard and I will have days that are fine. I can go to the gym and work out my upper body, which i did today and it felt pretty good...i can take a photography class, i can work on photography, i can sleep in, i can park in handicap spaces with my new trusty handicap signs, i can be treated very kindly by those around me who consistently help with doors etc and I am so pleased by feeling like people around me are still inherently kind and good...and for that I am learning my lesson of kindness and patience, I can write more, i can read more, i can take time to sit still, i can be happy for my health as a whole, i can continue to cook more, i can practice being patient.
i can remember all the people around me who love and support me and are there for me no matter what...it's just my knee..i have two of them and i am going to be fine...just a minor speed bump in the road of life....and I am sure I will look back 3 months later and be glad it happened...well, mostly....
I will have surgery most likely next week sometime pending some decisions on second opinions etc..thank you so much for all your thoughts and positive thinking.
6 comments:
Patience is something I know little about…...Glad you are learning and experiencing it – even if it was enforced upon you. Let me know what you learn and try to find the positives in all of it, and be frustrated if you need to be…. that also works sometimes. I am trying to learn not to hide behind a façade.
Son, I would feel just like you: torn between being pissed off and having to slow down or trying to count my blessings. But you are an athlete in the bigger sense of the word, so you will not only heal quicker than the average person, but you will get to do some things with your time that you don't even realize. And you're right, you'll look back on this in 6 months and wonder what all the fuss was about. I never thought I'd be able to use my left arm again after I had my first fall, remember? My advice: read a lot, and be sure to get a cute nurse.
Thanks babbo....do you still have that nurse's number?
love ya.
This is a total drag, but I will be totally honest and say I think you could use a little encouragement to slow down...BELIEVE ME, I understand how difficult it can be to turn off the kind of passionate drive you have in life, but I think this is going to be good for your soul. The more deeply you can dive into acceptance, the better. You are totally supported, so take the time you need to heal and recover.
Hey Justin!
I wish you a speedy recovery. I'm sure you will make the most of the time that you have "off the knee" to create and do more fabulous things! Hang in there Meatball!
If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask!
~nik
I know the feeling! I have carpel tunnel syndrome in the wrist and thoracic outlet syndrom in the neck, brought on by repetative stress. I carve for a living and know I have been overdoing it. But I love it! I need the op on the wrist but there just isn't the time and...this wasn't supposed to happen! Its enforced rest! Hope it all goes well Justin and that you have many revelations during your down time.
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