Monday, August 10, 2009


Ford 2, originally uploaded by Justin Davis Davanzo.

So today is Monday and truthfully I am way down in the dumps…you know..having one of those bottom of the barrel who am I what will I ever do with my life days? It feels really silly sometimes you know, since I then have the immediate feeling that I am being ridiculous to complain or worry as my life is pretty damn special. I think I have to re read my own book…but the times when we go into the forest is always the same…we think that we may not come out. We think that this is our destiny and cannot for the life of us see any redeeming values on the things we do, say, think…I am lucky to have those around me who remind me that I am ok and normal and they love me no matter what, but still…it is our own being that must wrestle with the demons of the day to ultimately walk away feeling recharged or empowered in our life and who we are and what we are doing. I see everyone going through this at one time or another and when they do I can relate totally and I have a ton of empathy and wise words etc, bla bla fuck shit. Yes I cussed.
But when it comes to me I forget all my own lessons sometimes and that can make it seem even more ridiculous…like “who am I to write and share?” but then I remember that this is part of the process. Being able to go to the place of uncomfortable darkness and cramps and salty wind. Salty wind? Yep…salty wind. So fine, I am here and I hate it and I feel like a big huge fat loser with no plan, no purpose and not now what? Now what…what do I do…nothing. Nothing. All I can do is recognize the place, the familiar dark hallway, the familiar feeling of being lost with no direction and the familiar taste of the brutal winds blowing the salt and sand into my eyes…all I can do is ride the bull and hang on and hope that I don’t get a horn in my ass. I don’t buy into the idea of trying to talk ourselves into feeling better because we have food on the table and our health…bullshit…we all have our journey and on that journey there are varying degrees of despair, disappointment and self loathing and it cannot be taken from us because it is ours…it doesn’t mean we aren’t better off than some or worse off, it is just the way it is right now in our journey. And so I sit today at work and mope and disregard the niceties that I usually engage in because today I don’t want to be nice or caring or happy…I just don’t so I don’t have to be and people can just deal with it and that’s that.

Yet, as I sit and stew I am shockingly reminded of the importance of my small being on this planet..i only say small in regards to the universe. Those around me who see me in a light that I don’t see or hear or think about..simply by showing up and writing or being, I and all of us have an equal effect on each other in ways we can’t imagine…and this is what life is for…the cause and effect of showing up for one another in secret.

So today, I am lucky because there are those who have shown up for me in ways that mean more to me than they can imagine and for that I am full and rich and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…I will not cut my ear off for at least another day…(read my book if this worries you…) I will stand stalwart and brave and face the salt and sand and wind and dig my heels in and cuss and swear if need be. Fuckshitdamn.

Sometimes that is all we can do….we are larger than we know and more powerful than we believe.

Love and Understanding.


Swirly said...

Just like everything, these feelings will pass. And your last sentence is the greatest truth of all.

melissa said...

Thank you...I needed this today.

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