Tuesday, October 7, 2008

War


down n spout, originally uploaded by boxersiciliano.

this is one of those mornings where i feel like I could start writing and never stop. Like I could tell the story of the world and the war and the death and the killing and the love and the life and the triumphs...of the Great Depression, the Eiffel Tower being built, the long boat ride over the Atlantic made by our great grandparents...the space shuttle blowing up the death of Vincent Van Gogh....the death of a man who shot himself in the cornfield and only had one ear left and was poor and spoiled and love lorn....one of our masters...one of the greats...for some reason i always come back to Vincent...i don't know why, but I feel him as a tribe member...not that i want to cut my ear off and blow my head off in a field...no, but i feel he is a brother in arms...a soldier, a man who would not rest or could not. today is one of those mornings where I can't decide what i should do...do I pay my taxes (finally)? Do i take pictures? do i write? do I clean the house? Do i curl up in a small ball on the bathroom floor in a fetal position and pee and poop and cry and throw up and feel sorry for myself?

Or do I meet the resistance head on in battle and run at it with my whole being and with my teeth gnashing and grinding and screaming a warrior's death roar...my mind clear and focused and all things in slow motion...just runnning...not hearing, not having anymore fear. The fear has gone in the initial headlong rush towards my destiny of war and knowing that I may not survive means that i no longer have anything to lose so my fear has become power and violent purpose and clarity...the drops of mud...i can feel each one as if magnified 100 times as they hit my face, the squish of my feet in my boots, the hair on my head, the sweat and the smell of my own being as I drive forward...nothing to strong, or frightening...nothing to tell me that I will not cross to the other side and kill anything that gets in my way...I am a warrior now and i will see the world as my battleground...this is my life today...this morning.

I awoke feeling frightened and small and unsure and not ok with anything that I was doing other than the immediate moments of love around me...my wife to be, our house, the knowledge that i am safe, the desire to be good...but beyond that, I had nothing this morning to tell me I would make it through the day....just another beginning as if i had just come out of the womb.

The difference being this...each day as we awake and are fortunate enough to be reborn in this world we can look at our time line as if we are babies..but only for a minute..as we get out of bed we age and by the time we are drinking our first cup of coffee we are adolescent and then...it happens...our wisdom and love and life take over and we are jarred into the reality that our ability to learn so fast has given us super powers...powers to be artists, men, women, people...tribemembers...

it all makes sense at that moment. we are thrust into our world each day with a purpose...that purpose of our own being, what we were created for and all of us...everyone of us...I don't care who it is, wakes up the same way...some of us have a stronger understanding of our momentary purpose in this life than others...but we are all there.

I have a day off today, right in the middle of the week, which is always weird, but wonderful...weird because I am thrust into nothingness...an opportunity to do whatever i want before I go back to work the next day...sometimes that day is hard because i don't know what to take care of first. that is why i feel the way i do today...but then the moment is there to realize that I am blessed with a day to tackle my life however i want to...like right now....i get to write and play and eat a bagel in a coffee shop during a day where the air is perfect and cool and the mountains are humming and I am strapped for the journey.

I awoke feeling full...not like a turkey dinner full...like a bursting full...like the moment before a horse race. Those powerful animals, stuck in a small metal box with a small man on top and the tunnel vision of funktionlust in front of them....funktionlust...the german word that basically means...."to do what one is perfectly designed to do"....that horse in that moment will experience it's purpose...to run as fast as it can...now one would argue..yes but they have a little man on them...who cares....that horse is just using that as an excuse at the moment...he is so primed and ready to burst out of the box that every muscle is like a spring...like a bomb waiting to go off....
that is how i feel today...like a bomb waiting to go off...ok...maybe more like a horse...but still....

think about this phrase...."what we were designed to do"...a cheetah is another amazing example of this....at the moment when they hit 80 mph, they are experiencing Funkionlust...and if you look closely, you might just see them smiling....it is that moment when you hit your stride and realize all is perfectly designed.....

where do i stop today??? i don't know...i have had this feeling before...backstage getting ready to open a show...the moment of shooting out of the gate in a perfect motion of body and mind. Or riding my bike up a mountain...or riding my motorcycle...or boxing, or taking pictures or writing...holy shit...i am having funktionlust right now as i write...i am actually running 80 mph with a smile on my face.

This weekend I had my first photo show...well, it was quite an experience...not unlike my first play i suppose, although it was more nervous and self aware than i had ever been previous...my art was on the wall...for everyone to laugh at...or do whatever they wanted...then i remembered the moment of resistance...the battle i had waged to get there...the love i had for my work...i was proud and bloody and tired and scared and free....at that moment it all became clear...i had won...i had officially qualified as an artist...in my own world...

of course, i had those around me who love and support me and encouraged me...Nita, my mom, dad, Swirly, Gus (go to youtube and watch) Taylor, you name it...all of them...and all of those who i come in contact with during my day. the strength to fight...the bravery needed to withstand the violent stabbings of blades long and sharp...am i violent today??? yes...why?

because war is a violent and dangerous place. being a warrior is not about being soft and polite...at least when the time is right...being a warrior is about strength and self respect...about patience and knowledge, about planning, about steel springs, about belief that you will vanquish your enemy, about death, about moving through...about life...

so I say for today, i will stand and fight hard and long and at the end of the day I will be bloodied from my victory...i will not take it for granted that I am powerful and steadfast. I will not forget my place and who i am and how i got there and who is my family and my friend...i will not give into the resistance of the dark forces that permeate the earth and the world...i will not hear the voice inside me that tricks and treats...

I will stand on the mountain, facing the rising sun and the breathe of my world will be deep and quiet and i will look across the earth and smell the depth of my spirit warrior and I will be still....in the box...waiting to spring and run and breathe and grunt and dive and yell...i will be a horse...i will live in my funktionlust and run and run and run.....you can't catch me....


love and understanding

5 comments:

Mom said...

Justin
I loved reading your early morning 'novella.' Consider me your comrade in arms for life, for love and for the sake of funktionlust.
Love,
Mom

Ms. Conley said...

I always said you were a wild horse..looks like you made it off the starting line and are off....I bet you WIN!!! I got my money on you...and funktionlust....

Babbo said...

Son,
Step away from the coffee....

Lisa said...

I love what your mom wrote...it makes me smile :)

Vintagedivva said...

Justin,
Congrats on your first show! I am sure it was a huge success! Wish I could have been there for it!

I have been MIA for the past month and I now find myself in Arizona taking a break away from La La land for a bit!

Keep it going meatball--the writing is spectacular, and so easy to relate too and your photos are fantastic!
PS--your father's comment is hilarious!!!!!